From Regina: I dedicate this song to you Sis
Participant 3 Testimonial
Regina,
I want to thank you for your courage and strength to start Fatigues clothesline. This project, for me, was one of the most challenging forms of therapy. Some days were so difficult that I had to "hide" the blouse. However, this project allowed me to reconnect and become aware of my journey towards healing.
When I was added to the Fatigues Clothesline group, I knew I wanted to complete the blouse project. I recollected that I had my BDU desert blouse in my footlocker in the basement. For weeks, I visualized unpacking the BDU blouse and painting on it. Then I saw photos of your BDU blouse and dug my blouse out of the footlocker. I cried when I our and I then got myself together and went out and bought paints and fabric markers. The BDU blouse and my paints sat together in the basement untouched for several days. I told my counselor about the project and I told her I wasn't sure how to begin. She told me t o just start by pouring some paint out on a plate and see what happens. So, I sat and stared at the BDU blouse and the paint ---- overwhelmed that I was going to face the rape again, I just stared at the blouse. When I went back to see my counselor, she asked how it was going. I told her all I can do is stare at the blouse. She asked me what feelings I felt when I looked at the blouse and I told her terror, fear, shame and death of my soul... lots of tears later with my counselor (same session), she pulled out this book called Art Journaling and she told me she wanted me to have it, that it may help if I saw how others expressed themselves and maybe it could guide me.
So, when I got home with the book, I became inspired and I started mixing paints and painted on the blouse - I took pictures and shared on Fatigues Clothesline. The next day, I went to paint on it and I was struck with fear, tears and anxiety when I saw the blouse - I didn't remember working that much on the blouse... I was remembering ,recalling the events of the rape and I screamed and cried and balled the blouse up - I can't do this.
So, I took the blouse to my counselor and told her that I wanted to cut myself, burn myself and throw out this damn BDU blouse. My counselor unballed the blouse and told me how powerful it was and how this is my story that it needs to be told and heard and she asked me to talk to her about what I had painted and I just let it all out... I realized the four who raped me still scared me and I realized I had to work through the rape verbally as well as artistically to move beyond the fear. So, I took the BDU blouse back home and painted the arms on the sleeves and wrote the words, terrorized, died, nightmares shamed, fear... And I began shaking. I began feeling like cutting myself so I called my counselor, she had me come in with the blouse and I told her she had to please keep this blouse for me - I couldn't live with it being in the house - so my counselor looked at the blouse and her eyes watered and she told me how courageous I was and she agreed to keep it (the blouse) in her office - she told me to start thinking of what to put on the front. She suggested some of the poetry I had written or to sew something on the blouse since I like to sew. She agreed that I needed a time-out from the blouse. Two weeks went by before I reclaimed the blouse. During the sessions that the blouse was housed with my counselor, we focused on discussing the positives like me running, exercising and joining a gym and I agreed that if I got overwhelmed while working on the blouse, I would go for a run or do some push ups and sit ups instead of wanting to cut or burn myself. So, I worked on the front. I added some poetry sewed on a purple heart and wrote down hopes on the sleeves of the blouse.
When I was writing the poem "Free Falling", I had to stop and do some push ups and I kept telling myself to work through it... I am strong ---- I finished the "Free Falling" poem. A few days passed then I wrote the "Hope" poem and I literally grieved for days afterwards. I ran and ran trying to find ME as I ran... I am still finding me. I then sewed on the Heart and wrote how raw I truly am - like a ghost trying to be a part of the world again and it lead me to write my hopes and dreams on the sleeves with painted vines to show that I am growing, that I am reaching to heal and holding firm with all my bodily roots of hope to find ME once again. My counselor and I talked about each poem, each dream and hope as I completed the front of the blouse. We both saw this project as a form of healing that she and I worked on together - I was able to open up more and I even recalled details of the rape that I hadn't before -- I was able to grieve, to be heard - to have a witness to this experience and I am thankful to my counselor for helping me and guiding me as I completed this BDU Blouse - And thats the story of this BDU blouse - please keep it safe, as you now have a piece of me with you. God bless you, Sister!
With Love _________________
P.S. Please let me know when you get this blouse.
